Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
