i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
