I wish they made helmets for livers.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
