My room smells like vodka and shame
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
where am i from again
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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