I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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