he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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