When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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