I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
