I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just blew my weed a kiss
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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