It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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