so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
