I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
