I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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