She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
