hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
