i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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