Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
sarcasm needs its own font
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
