Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
