I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
We are all done wearing pants today
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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