Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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