Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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