My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I met the friendliest cop last night
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
