I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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