I'm gonna have a badass scar
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
