When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
