are you still at the devil's house?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
