Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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