between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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