Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
