I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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