this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
