I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
