I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
