does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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