I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
