I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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