now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
