so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
