I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
