Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
