Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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