i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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