the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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