He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
