i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
