Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
