I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You left your phone here
Wait...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
