I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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