All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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