I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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