when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
