Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
