I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
