I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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