I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
