my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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