Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I will be naked everywhere
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
