Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
